The “I Hope You Feel Better Soon” Paradox
It comes from a good place in their hearts. You know that, and I know that. Knowing that it comes from a good place doesn’t change the pit in your stomach that the phrase gives you. When someone finds out that you have a chronic illness and they respond with “get well soon”, it just leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
If you are the person that says “I hope you feel better soon,” please don’t stop reading, because I want to explain. For those of us with diseases that have no hope of a nearby cure or even remission, it just reminds us of the simpler life that we will never get back. For my primary immunodeficiency, the gene responsible for my particular condition still hasn’t even been identified. While there has been gene therapy success in some other primary immunodeficiencies, the likelihood of that option for mine any time soon is slim. Instead, I rely on an infusion therapy that gives me a better quality of life, but this is a lifelong therapy that will never fix my illness, only manage it. So when someone says “I hope you feel better soon” in response to my revelation that I have a rare and incurable disease, it just feels like something that is so far out of reach.
The sadness isn’t because we have no appreciation for the sentiment behind the words. We do. We always appreciate when someone genuinely wants to wish us well. The words themselves just make us long for a healthy person’s life, where you get sick and feel better in 5-7 days. It reminds us that when this infection or flare subsides, there will certainly be another one to follow, and it is just a matter of time until we are unwell again.
The next time that you have the urge to tell a friend with an incurable disease to “feel better soon”, try these alternatives instead to show that you care: I hope your treatment gives you a better quality of life. I hope that your symptoms are more manageable soon. I hope that you have more usable days. I hope that you feel well enough soon to socialize. I hope that this infection clears without too much trouble. I hope that your doctor is able to find a better treatment option if this one isn’t working well. Just try to say something that acknowledges that you know it is a long journey, but you hope that it is an easier one for us. That will lift our spirits and show that you care more than “I hope you get better soon” ever will.
Chronically yours,
Jen
